Made New

Introduction to the secular version

By James Berkon

I once heard it said that there are certain days in everyone's life that they remember forever. For my parents it was the day Kennedy was shot. They both remember exactly where they were when they heard the news. For all of us who are teenagers and young adults it was September 11th. We can all recall where we were when we heard about the planes hitting the towers. I know I can remember it all too clearly. One such day in my life was over the Fourth of July weekend of 2001. I was with my family down in Southern Virginia visiting my sister at Wintergreen Resort where she was interning for the summer. She was a Hospitality and Tourism Management Major (HTM) and rising senior at James Madison University in Harrisonburg, Va. We had just gotten to our hotel room about three hours earlier and were heading to the pool to cool off from the summer heat. I approached the staircase that lead to the pool and spa area of the resort and just as I placed my foot on the first step the question popped into my head, "Jimmy, what are you going to do if your wife is not a virgin?" I stopped dead in my tracks and firmly gripped the railing. I did not move for a good few seconds. I looked down then up at the flight of stairs that lay ahead of me. Then I thought to myself, "That's a good question. I don't know." I slowly walked up towards the pool, step after agonizing step all the while having that question pound at my head like a jackhammer pounds away at concrete.

There were probably about seventy steps in that one flight of stairs but it seemed like it was three times that number. "My future wife, not a virgin. Huh." Being asked that question was like getting jacked in the face by a perfect stranger. Honestly I did not know what to think. To this very day I have never had a girlfriend and have never been on any real dates. I had always wanted to find the right woman for me who would allow me to treat her like a priceless treasure. Sure I wanted love, actually back then I was desperate for it. When I daydreamed all I could think of was being with Ms. Perfect, gazing into her eyes on a white sand beach, overlooking the aquamarine water at sunset on some island in the South Pacific. But having this question and concern raised was like having an A-Bomb drop right into the heart of my perfect dream.

I finally got to the pool but jumping in and cooling off were the farthest things from my mind. All I could think about was that question. I sat under the umbrella at our table next to my sister. I looked over her shoulder and realized she was reading some book on dating entitled "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris.

"Is that good?" I asked.

"Yeah. Feel free to take a look." She said as she handed it to me.

I looked at the contents page and one chapter was entitled "When the Past Comes Knocking." So I turned to that page and read through the first five pages of the chapter. It was the story of Joshua's soon to be bride Shannon confessing to him that she was not a virgin. She was weeping for his sake, because she did wait for him. He went on to assure her that her past did not change what he thought of her at all. "Well it seems Joshua looked past the mistakes of his bride to be, so if I ever marry a girl who has lost it, I will just look past it as well. End of story."

But this was anything but the end. Summer faded away and the fall came around. I moved up to Ohio to a small Catholic College. I was eager to get up there and experience like minded people who were trying to live a good moral life. When I got up there however, this question, along with many more came up again. I met several guys who had lost their virginity during their high school years. The regret and pain they shared with me was heavy, to say the least. I can remember thinking to myself, "Is this all that is left when you lose your virginity? Just pain, despair, and hurt that never goes away? That sticks around for the rest of your life?" When I was in high school I knew guys were sleeping around, getting blow jobs, and going down on random girls but I never met a guy who regretted doing that. I never met a girl who was devastated after losing her virginity. Once I got to college it was a completely different story. I began to see just how painful uncommitted sex was and the depth of scars that these women and men carried over past decisions.

The question over marrying girl who was not a virgin was followed by many more. Questions I asked were: What should a man do if his bride is not a virgin? Should he hate her? Resent her? Be disappointed? Should he cheat on her just to get even? Should he hold himself in high esteem for waiting and look down on her because she did not? Can a woman who has lost it be healed? Can she gain back what she lost and gave away? How easily do women compare their husbands to past partners? Is there something better than regret, anger, guilt, hurt, despair?

I knew in my heart the answer was forgiveness but for me, if my bride to be was not a virgin there was something missing...big time. She gave away something that was meant for me and me alone. Forgiveness could help her but it could not replace what she lost. I wanted more. I think deep down all of us long for more than just the leftovers.

Some of the guys I knew who had lost it to their ex- or to some random girl during a one night stand in high school or college ended up getting engaged during my first year in college. I was happy for them and eager to find out more about love and what it is like to find a woman you really care about, I would grill them with a laundry list of questions. They would tell me all this tight stuff, but at the end of the day, the conversation would always revert back to the past and what could have been. The guys would always say something along these lines, "I love her, I am so excited to be getting married." Then the tone of conversation changed to this, "I wish I did wait, sex with her will just be like a huge feast without the desert." Hearing this made me cringe and my heart would drop to the pits of my stomach. If I ever got married to a woman who lost it, I did not want our love life to be just what's left over. If anything, I wanted the love we would one day share to be beyond belief, to be everything we could have desired and so much more. What these guys were telling me left a sour taste in my mouth. If I married a girl, I did not want her to settle for second best, I wanted her to be the best. I did not want my future marriage to carry the regret that society had to offer from uncommitted sex. So I began to search and try to find something better. Needless to say, I did find something so much better than anyone of us could have ever imagined.

Ladies in the following pages you will find my story of how I struggled with this concept of what many people call a "Secondary Virginity" and eventually how I learned to embrace it and see how beautiful a gift it is. I am very well aware that when you hear the words "Secondary Virginity" it may make you cringe, it may remind you of what you have lost and given away, and it tends to bring back memories of what could have been. It is my goal in this work for you to no longer have those thoughts, feelings, or fears about this subject. It is my wish that your tears of sadness over the past will be transformed into tears of joy as mine have. I want to share with you many of the questions that I asked and that may be heavy on your heart as well. Many of the answers come from engaging young women on this subject, reading literature, or journaling and fleshing out these questions and concerns. This work is written for women but men may find many of the points helpful as well. I am going to lay down my guard in the following pages and give you an in-depth look into my heart which has been healed, restored, and brought back to wholeness. My friend, I invite you to lay yours down as well and walk this journey with me so both of us may find a new discovery of what it means to find healing and restoration and to once again possess a heart made new.

Other questions include:

• To be or not to be (Living in the Fantasy)
• You Can Run, But You Can't Hide
• What is Secondary Virginity?
• What is Love?
• What does it mean to be pure?
• What is Chastity?
• What is Healing?
• But it's Too Late for me
• Shame, Regret, Anger, Hurt, and Guilt
• Communication: The Key that Unlocks the Door to the Heart
• A Heart Divided, A Heart Reunited
• Bodily Innocence
• The Mind and the Memories
• I've Found the One!
• Sexually Transmitted Diseases
• A Modest(y) Issue
• The Gift Regained
• He is not a virgin and I am not. But we're okay with it.
• What's wrong with a Hymenoplasty?
• How, when, and what to tell the guy.
• How can I help him heal from my past?
• What can I do to help her heal?
• What does it mean to be a real woman?
• The Fatherhood Issue
• Any more Advice?